The Dedicated Onanist

Song Of The Week

2011-11-29T09:47:00.000+08:00

21 Century music, part ring tone, part horror movie, part house, part video game.

Song Of The Week

2011-11-18T15:23:00.002+08:00

We have all missed pussy at one time or another, haven't we guys?

This track mixes old school R&B with new millenium production and a rap from Andre 3000. Reminds me a little of what Cee-Lo Green has so masterfully created recently.

University Wankers!

2011-11-17T16:01:00.000+08:00

This is actually a forged notice, confirmed by the University when a student submitted a Freedom Of Information (FOI) request. Here is an extract from the reply he received:

The notice to which you refer is not an official university notice. It was
a student prank, and regrettably not even an original prank. The notice
appears to be a copycat issue of a similar text which appeared recently at
Durham and Lancaster universities and a number of universities in the
States. A quick check on Google should give you more information about
these incidents should you require it.
A strong clue that the notice is fake is the line “Please go home and
masturbate if you are bored.” As a matter of policy, the University would
never encourage students to go home during term time.

Separated At Birth?

2011-11-04T10:05:00.003+08:00

Downloaded the first two AC/DC albums recently and could not help noticing the similarity between the riff on these two tracks.

Song Of The Week

2011-11-03T08:58:00.005+08:00

Sleazy song from the sleaziest of street poets.

Major Gonads

2011-10-19T08:56:00.007+08:00

Wesley Warren Jr is trying to raise $US1 million for surgery to correct his scrotal elephantiasis.

Wesley Warren Jr, went public about his condition - scrotal elephantiasis - because he is desperate to try and raise the cash for the costly operation.
Mr Warren's scrotum is so large that he has trouble walking and using the bathroom.

"It's not easy to get around," he told the Las Vegas Review-Journal, "It makes me stay in most of the time."
The 47-year-old, who developed the rare condition three years ago, said he has regular bouts of depression.

"I want to have real friends and a relationship with a woman," he told the paper. "But I'm not suicidal. I'm too strong for that."

Although he knew some people would laugh at his condition, Mr Warren decided to go on Howard Stern's radio and cable TV show to raise awareness of his plight.
"I don't like being a freak, who would?" he said. "But I figured that the Stern show is listened to by millions of people and they might want to help me. I hope some millionaire or billionaire will want to help me."

His condition is rarely seen outside of the tropical areas of Africa and Asia and is usually caused by a mosquito-spread parasitic infection.

But Mr Warren said he had never travelled to tropical areas and believes the condition is down to an accident in 2008, when he caught his testicles with his leg while twisting in bed (WTF?!). The next day Mr Warren said his scrotum had grown to "the size of a soccer ball" and continued growing.

Song Of The Week

2011-10-17T09:17:00.002+08:00

Every so often a good mate reminds me of just how good Saxon is. One of the NWOBM acts that is still releasing material today. A bit incongruous that a band from Barnsley should pay tribute to JFK, but nonetheless a great song, here rendered live. The crowd is either unable to contain their excitement or very pissed, or probably both.

People say that the 70s was the decade that fashion forgot, but check out the collection of gear here (1986), exhibit A for the prosecution of crimes of fashion perpetrated by the 80s. The lead singer Biff Byford looks like some sort of heavy metal aerobics instructor!

I Think I Shall Have A Number 69 Tonight Please

2011-09-20T14:20:00.002+08:00

The Meaning of Life, Recorded In Song

2011-09-14T09:56:00.003+08:00

Bob Dylan is regarded as a master of the lyric as is Leonard Cohen. I consider John Lennon to be among those who can write a profoundly affecting song.
But once in a while, a hidden gem is unearthed that at the very least equals these giants. Not only are there some of the most intelligent lyrics ever recorded, but this song just might also contain the answer to the meaning of life.

Song Of The Week

2011-09-07T10:55:00.003+08:00

This young guy melds rap and dance music to come up with something that powerfully evokes late nights in noisy clubs. Or for me (at this point in my "mature" life), music perfect for the gym.

Albums That Make My Dick Hard

2011-08-12T09:36:00.015+08:00

I generally avoid live albums as they don't so much showcase a band's talent but inadvertently promote annoying noises from the crowd, that fucking whistler in Elton John's Bennie and The Jets is the best/worst example.

Many, many years ago I was gifted Billy Joel's Songs in The Attic (on vinyl, no less). The foldout cover sporting great liner notes from the man himself as well as candid photos at various points in his life. A retrospective of older material that his band recorded live during 1980, it is not just a great live album but a great album. Joel's playing and singing is top notch and his powerhouse band breathes exuberant life into unfamiliar songs.

This is the opener and one of the best:
Miami 2017

Darers Go First

2011-08-10T14:54:00.004+08:00

Love this pic, so reminds me of the horny angst of my teenage years.

Song Of The Week

2011-08-04T15:41:00.004+08:00

One of the best rock bands of all time, one of the best vocalists, arguably the best front man that has & will ever live and also, one of my heroes.

Song Of The Week

2011-07-27T09:10:00.003+08:00

More power pop than punk or emo, these guys have many a fine tune in their catalogue. This one, like a few others, has a little funk in it.

Song Of The Week

2011-07-19T09:56:00.003+08:00

David Coverdale fronted Deep Purple in the latter stages of (the height of) their career. His bluesy, gravelly voice was hard to resist. He left that band to form Whitesnake which I discovered around 1980. His commerciality and more importantly blonde curly mane meant he quickly rose to notoriety during the Hair Metal glory days of the mid 80s. Although there was never anything subtle about this band and the single entendre of their album "Slide It In" was fairly comical, there are many memorable tunes. Despite now looking more like Melissa Etheridge than she does, Mr Coverdale is still releasing music and this one was released this year.
Oh yeah, I want the drummer's tshirt.

Arachnophobia Origins

2011-07-05T15:57:00.002+08:00

Song Of The Week

2011-07-05T09:45:00.001+08:00

I love mash ups. They are perfect for my short attention span as I can listen to several songs at once.
This is a cool one featuring some Legends Of RockTM.

Song Of The Week

2011-06-15T09:24:00.003+08:00

Heard this song today on one of the rare occasions I listen to FM radio. Icehouse were one of the best Australian acts of the '80s (albeit heavily influenced by Roxy Music and David Bowie). I was very impressed with them when they played at the UWA refectory in 1988.

The best thing about this weird video is Iva Davies' awesome mullet which left to form its own band in 1991, apparently.

Fatty Business Opportunity V

2011-06-02T10:23:00.010+08:00

Another example of the way business is attempting to prey on insecurities and exploit the desire for a quick fix to being overweight.

I wonder how many people actually fall for this shit?!

They have even spelled it incorrectly as the term is "cavitation", does not inspire confidence.

A new way to a sexy body!
Sadly, we weren’t all born with Angelina Jolie’s genes. Which means that even with exercise and a healthy diet, there are bound to be some areas which refuse to let go of the last few bits of fat. This is why you should embrace the latest slimming treatment: fat cavication.

This brilliant procedure targets the most stubborn areas (bums, thighs, arms, stomachs and so forth) and within a few painless minutes gets rid of unwanted fat, helping you to sculpt your body in any way you wish – non-surgically and non-invasively.

The way fat cavication works is simple: a special ultrasonic machine is used to form bubbles in the tissues where the unwanted fat cells are. The bubbles expand and (due to lack of space) are immediately compressed which raises the temperature causing the bubbles to implode. When this happens, the membranes of local fat cells are damaged and the fat contained within is expelled by the body. So within one 30-minute treatment you can lose whole inches from your troubled spots! And the treatment is completely pain free!

So give it a go! Today’s $49 Spreets voucher will not only entitle you to a 30-minute fat cavication session at the fabulous Whitfords image Clinic, but once you have slimmed down, you’ll also receive a bonus $50 voucher to put towards anything in store (over the value of $99). Sexy, Angelina-esque body? Yes please!

This video contradicts the expulsion claims.

Song Of The Week

2011-05-26T09:37:00.002+08:00

A fine line separates genius from lunacy. Lee Mavers founder of both The La's and Cast may be a case in point. After scrapping various versions of The La's debut album and frustrating a handful of producers during its production, Mavers then criticised the album in the music press after its release.

There is no denying however, that this single is a charming slice of sunny, melodic pop.

Song Of The Week

2011-05-18T11:11:00.003+08:00

I can vividly remember the buzz around Guns n Roses. I can also remember the brave/crazy decision to release the two Use Your Illusion albums simultaneously.

Here is one of the best tracks with that intro from Cool Hand Luke.

Weird Sexual Discoveries III

2011-05-09T16:08:00.020+08:00

Currently, 25% of what I know is sourced from Urban Dictionary, 32% from Wikipedia and the remaining 50% I have made up. This ratio is subject to change as I continue to make valuable discoveries (mainly of a sexual nature) from Urban Dictionary.

The latest is the "Molly McButter" which most of our American friends think is a range of butter flavoured products. It is actually something entirely more delectable: Molly McButter

Gyms and Recreation Centres

2011-05-04T16:11:00.015+08:00

I first joined one of Laurie Potters' gym's in Perth when I was 18 (over 25 years ago). This chain was indulging in that despicable practice of selling hugely discounted memberships while struggling to stay solvent. I purchased a "life membership" for around $250 and was lucky enough to enjoy it for around two and a half years before they went down the gurgler. I suppose what I didn't realise was that in this case, "life"conveniently meant the life of the club and not my lifetime.

A few years ago I joined an independent gym in Warwick and it was great value. Each summer evening, I would ride my bike up there and enjoy the decent enough weights area. However, during my last year there I noticed a drop in staff morale and equipment not being maintained/repaired. My past experience had made me very wary and despite the owner telling "all is sweet" I wasn't prompted by any of the staff to renew (the first time this did not happen) and I didn't. Two months later the place closed its doors.

Now, after enjoying Town of Vincent's Beatty Park over the last two years, I this week joined City of Subiaco's Lords. Beatty Park was built for the 1962 British Empire games and despite being great value and having great staff, it does feel (in certain parts) not to have been refurbished since its inception.

Lords is slightly more expensive but far and away better equipped and with newer facilities. The gym is three times the size with a mezzanine floor of cardio equipment, there is a 25m indoor pool, free lockers and a sauna in the change rooms. Today, I stress tested the showers and not only did my shower stay at a consistent temperature but when both taps were turned on fully, I was almost knocked off my feet.

I know some people who have joined Fitness First and walking through Subiaco I am often accosted by their promotions (sales) team. They have many promotions to drum up membership and are very well equipped but currently charge $100 per month and a $200 membership termination fee. Interestingly, all the reviews of the place that I have read recently are scathing: Not happy Jan!

Song Of The Week (Fortnight)

2011-05-04T15:13:00.004+08:00

Back in the day you would hear of bands along the way, but for whatever reason (usually financial) you wouldn't investigate them to any depth. Well, for me, YouTube has changed all that. Now I can investigate to my little heart's content. I hereby introduce Tool.

Song Of The Week

2011-04-21T09:53:00.003+08:00

Bill Murray has travelled a long way from Caddyshack and Stripes. He is now capable of delivering some of the most understated performances ever captured on film. I recently watched The Life Aquatic and not only was it a beautifully quirky film stuffed with brilliant performances, but this quirkiness was embellished with a soundtrack of David Bowie classics sung in Portuguese by Seu Jorge.

Lookalikes I

2011-04-18T09:31:00.001+08:00

Matthew Pavlich

Bull Terrier

Song Of The Week

2011-04-13T15:37:00.000+08:00

A bit of a novelty song, but one can't deny the talent here nor the message.

The Original Budgie Smuggler

2011-04-12T15:10:00.001+08:00

Whilst reading Bon Scott's biography I was surprised to learn that as well as being an absolute rock god, Bon supplemented his earnings by smuggling Australian native fauna around the world.

Authorities were alerted to this nefarious behaviour after booking front row seats at a 1977 gig in Amsterdam.

After the encores, Bon was apprehended and found to have concealed two skinks and a weiro down the front of his jeans, a photo from that gig (used as evidence in the subsequent low profile court case) has recently been released...

It's The Law Friend

2011-04-12T08:55:00.004+08:00

http://www.bricktestament.com/the_law/sexual_discharges/lv15_16a.html

Thank you to one of my fakebook friends "EVN".

Mmmm Pepsi...

2011-04-06T15:56:00.001+08:00

I recently submitted an entry in a Pepsi win a car/cash competition. I then visited the Pepsi Australia competition page on fakebook. A few of the posts were amusing, some were cheesy and others were more than a little desperate.

So of course, I could not resist.

Timothy Phunkbucket > Pepsi Australia:

Dear Mr Max, it's me again. I am truly deserving of your prize of a pepsimaxtreme V8 commode. My family is really facing an uphill battle as both my kids have a terminal desire to ride around in a monster V8 with their dad. I'm sure that like me, you don't want to deprive them of that pleasure. Also, I am not very well endowed, so jumping into a gurgling beast every morning and placing my right elbow on the door and stomping on the go pedal would do wonders for my self esteem. I implore you, think of the children!
33 minutes ago ·Like Unlike ·
Timothy Phunkbucket: ps: Not only do I exclusively drink Pepsi Max (maximum kick - no sugar) I also wash my hair in the stuff.

Pepsi Australia: Dear Mr Phunkbucket, your posts and your plight have captured our attention and made us genuinely ROFL. May your entries bring you luck.
4 minutes ago · Like Unlike.

"Consultant" Has "Cunt" In It

2011-04-05T15:59:00.004+08:00

This whole sorry state of affairs started when in early March, out of the blue, I received a cheque from Telstra for around $13.

Were I superstitious, this would have been a portentious omen. Puzzled, I phoned the enquiry number and explained my query to the "consultant". They eventually admitted that they could not explain why I had received the cheque. I asked that someone investigate and then phone me back with the explanation.

No one phoned back, so I started down the track (like a dog with a bone) of phoning and demanding answers, taking on the might of Telstra and its faceless hordes of uncaring and uninterested "consultants". My wife and Buddha would both advise me to "let it go" but no, despite the strain on my sanity and increasing stress levels "I WANTED ANSWERS".

My quest then lead to lodging complaints online that then lead to heated arguments with the "Case managers" handling my complaints.

For my pain and anguish, I received this letter that attempts not only to acknowledge the fact that Telstra dicked me around, but also firmly states that I am now satisfied with the resolution that they have provided.

Please note readers: there is a prize for the first person to adequately explain to me what the content of the letter actually means.

I am now having trouble shaking the feeling that not only has Telstra dicked me around, they are now emailing this letter to each other and having a damn good laugh about it.

Song Of The Week

2011-04-05T10:52:00.000+08:00

Only just heard about this guy from a review in a magazine.
Great to listen to a beautiful new voice singing soul in the way that brings to mind Sam Cooke, Al Green and TTD.

Song Of The Week

2011-03-30T16:45:00.001+08:00

Lots of rock bands have a pretty/ugly combo up front e.g. Cheap Trick. Quite possibly the most famous being KISS. You never forget your first love and KISS was mine.

Rather than put an early song of theirs on here, I am posting this and at the same time not quite believing that this song is actually eighteen years old, Jesus!

Song Of The Week

2011-03-25T10:27:00.001+08:00

Amazing song and amazing singer. A unique voice that has nuances of Kate Bush and Sinead O'Connor.

Twee, Tweeer, Tweeest

2011-03-24T11:02:00.000+08:00

TWEE: affectedly or excessively dainty, delicate, cute, or quaint.

Song Of The Week

2011-03-14T10:50:00.001+08:00

As the last guest on Graham Norton's show, this young chick walked out in a flesh coloured body stocking, sporting a red slash mouth and severe, glossy, black bob.

Listening to her, I was impressed that she seemed like a modest Londoner with a keen sense of humour. As she prepared to sing her latest single, I did not expect much, but was blown away to hear a vocal style meshing Rhianna, Pink and Billie Holiday, all of that in a flesh coloured body stocking!

Animal Kingdom - Movie Review

2011-03-09T10:52:00.007+08:00

Watched this great Australian movie last night. In bed, in the dark, on my Creative Zen XFi2 like a sneaky teenager. It may have been this viewing situation that heightened the experience, but when the final scene ended, I lay there frozen (probably with my mouth slightly ajar), letting the credits wash over me.

A gripping, gritty crime drama with moments of paralysing tension. The young lead James Frecheville was astounding as the teenager clearly out of his depth, who comes to realise the degree of cunning he must employ to stay afloat. His stillness was perfect and served to strengthen the impact of his raw emotion (when it eventually surfaced).

Jackie Weaver as the machiavellian, poisonous matriarch was superb as was Ben Mendelsohn with his finest work to date.

Song Of The Week

2011-03-09T10:40:00.000+08:00

I understand the popularity of Bruno Mars with the younger generation, but he does not get my dick hard (a bit like my dad's view of Robbie Williams a few years ago).
This is the best song on his recent album not just because it is a cool tune, but mainly due to the fact that it features the incredible Cee Lo Green.

Song Of The Week

2011-03-02T09:13:00.000+08:00

Really love Pink Floyd and really love House music, yes you can have it all!

Song Of The Week

2011-02-22T09:51:00.000+08:00

Being completely besotted by Julia Zemiro, I try to catch Rockwiz as often as possible. Upon seeing that the episode last Saturday night featured Kylie Auldist (Who?) and Tony Hadley (Meh), I approached it with an attitude bordering on indifference. However, as Tony Hadley was bemused and confused as to the exact nature of the show and of his expected role (and seemingly off his face) the resulting show was hilarious.

Also surprising was the duet finale, where the singers voices were beautifully complementary and revived an old standard.

Song Of The Week

2011-02-14T10:02:00.001+08:00

Double Fantasy was my mum's favourite album for quite some time, she played it almost every day for several months. I now realise it may have had something to do with John Lennon's assassination shortly after the album's release.

Last year, a two-CD set called Double Fantasy Stripped Down, which included a newly remastered copy of the original album along with an alternative version of the album featuring simpler arrangements, was released.

Here is the original version of I'm Losing You recorded with Rick Nielsen and Bun E Carlos of Cheap Trick.

Song Of The Week

2011-02-09T09:21:00.003+08:00

To pay my respects and mark the passing of Gary Moore this week.

Weight Loss Tips

2011-02-02T09:51:00.001+08:00

When you are feeling peckish and peering into the fridge for a tasty snack, slam the fridge door shut and walk over to the sink.

Run the hot tap and fill a large glass with warm water. Drink three of these and you will not feel like eating for some time.

Yum!

Song Of The Week

2011-01-31T10:05:00.000+08:00

Perth band Karnivool from their recent album "Sound Awake".

Song Of The Week

2011-01-25T09:38:00.001+08:00

This band from Dublin burst onto the scene with a debut album that contains sublime pop with elements of hip hop and soaring falsetto vocals.

This song never fails to touch me with the line "Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in".

Bargain Hunter - MCM Shoes

2011-01-19T08:57:00.003+08:00

I saw these shoes in the Salvos a couple of times and couldn't resist picking them up and having a good look at them. They were clearly well made Italian shoes but I did not recognise the brand. They were well worn and the toes were quite pointy so each time, I put them back.

The third time however, I tried them on and they fit perfectly. On finding out they were mine for $10, they were immediately mine.

After a good clean and polish and getting them reheeled for $25, I have a "new" pair of MCM shoes.

Song Of The Week

2011-01-18T09:50:00.000+08:00

It's exquisite agony attempting to construct a definitive list of my top ten favourite songs, but most days, this is in there somewhere.

Fatty Business Opportunity IV

2011-01-14T10:24:00.003+08:00

Now you can lose weight and reduce cellulite by simply having LED light shone onto your skin. Well, the wonders of modern technology never cease to amaze me!

With all these quick and easy methods of weight loss available, I cannot understand why we have such an increasing incidence of childhood and adult obesity.

Ailyn's Skin & Beauty Centre

Formostar-Infrared Body Wrap Treatment
Ready to give your New Year's resolution a kick-start? Ailyn's Skin and Beauty will help you manage your weight using a Formostar-infrared body wrap treatment and lose 1200 calories in your first one-hour session -- guaranteed. With its special body pads, this treatment uses radiant infrared heat. All you need to do is lie back and relax, while the LED light goes to work. The system is known to help people literally lose centimetres from their waistlines, but other benefits include cellulite reduction, body contouring, increased metabolism and skin rejuvenation. It's also great for arthritis, muscle pain, spasms and stiffness. Love your body in 2011 -- feel confident and healthier.

Just to provide some perspective, in Dr Karl's article he states: 1200 calories per day is an amazingly large amount. According to Professor Storlein, "A person would normally run 10 kilometres just to get rid of 300 calories". So 1,200 calories is equivalent to a 30 kilometre run.

The Beige Flood

2011-01-12T17:04:00.001+08:00

Billy Connolly talks of his fear that the planet will be taken over by the "beige people", the bean counters and the petty politicians. Sometimes I think his fear is well founded and more often I think it is too late.

It is a theme that is touched on in this wonderfully observed and beautifully written account of the Toowoomba flood.

Beautiful one day, a terrible flood plain the next Heather Brown From: The Australian January 12, 2011
WHAT happened to this city of mine?
Never mind the inland tsunami, the bloody, muddy water or the smashed up shops, the pretty plastic cars piled up like a B-grade movie set or the dreadful grainy-graphic images of cars crashing down on trees and trees crashing down on men.
As soon as the water had cleared, the sun disappeared and a bleak heavy fog settled on the city for the night. And, for a moment, we found ourselves wandering through a shocked and silent landscape that seemed straight from another man's war.

How did this happen in a wealthy city, famous for its gardens, sitting sweetly on the edge of the Great Dividing Range, a place so safe and so far from floods?
There are no soupy coastal flood plains around here, no ruthless moods of the tides, no bitter curses of outback isolation. Toowoomba has 90,000 people, a strong economy, neat city pavements, fashionable shopfronts and even pink seduction roses in the streets.

I am forced to ask these questions, the same as every other person has asked who has contacted me since the phones started to ring at daylight yesterday morning. Because what happened in Toowoomba on an ordinary Monday afternoon in January simply doesn't make sense.
I came to live in Toowoomba 10 years ago, married a local vet and took up life running a thoroughbred farm 14km west of the city. Before that, however, I had been a senior journalist for this newspaper and covered various disasters and big events across Australia for many years.
More significantly, perhaps, I came from a cattle station near Julia Creek in far northwest Queensland and grew up on the broad, muscular shoulders of the Flinders River, the southernmost of all the great Gulf country rivers. So I knew a bit about floods.

We had been evacuated by the RAAF in 1974 after it rained for 40 days and 40 nights; we lost half of our cattle and sheep, and then came home to start all over again. My family had been in the north since the earliest days of the last century: we grew up close to the land, understood its rhythms and knew what it took to survive.
Tragically, it seems some of the most basic rules of survival - and certainly the most elementary rule of town planning - were forgotten in the case of Toowoomba, a city that is dissected by East Creek and West Creek, two deceptively innocent looking little creeks that seem to run as much water as a decent suburban gutter for most of the year.

Admittedly, Toowoomba - Australia's Garden City - has been battling drought for almost a decade. It was the city that achieved national notoriety by voting against recycled water, remember, so its residents might be forgiven for having forgotten what rain really looked like. Along the way, the creeks have been prettied and preened and slotted into your typical modern urban plan. And the breadth of their flow - and their seminal right to a small flood plain - has been gradually stolen away.
At the intersections of Victoria, Margaret and Russell streets - where the boiling muddy tsunami was its fiercest and most graphically filmed - the city council had embarked on an ambitious beautification plan to turn the creek into a pleasing urban feature, complete with boardwalks, gardens, illumination and seating. Everyone thought it was wonderful, except for cynics such as my husband and me. In fact, every time we drove past the feature we would say to no one in particular: This little creek is going to make them sorry one day. Tragically, we were right.

Early yesterday morning I went back to the bruised and battered Margaret Street to support any local business that still had the heart to open. My coffee shop was handing out free coffees to the battered owners of the local businesses who had lost so much. When I went to buy my newspaper, the newsagent told me he was devastated, not because of what had happened but because the engineer who had worked on the beautification project told him he couldn't make them listen when he pleaded for bigger pipes - "18-footers" he called them - to let the water through, because it simply didn't suit the aesthetics of the architects and landscapers.
So that's what happened to my city, folks, the same as happened to so much of flooded Queensland. We did stupid and really, really dumb things because we thought we could get away with them. We built the wrong sort of houses and the wrong sort of bridges. We built towns and suburbs on flood plains. And we ignored at our peril the forces of nature and the history of the great floods that have shaped this continent for thousands of years.

In our arrogance, we created towns and cities better suited to the whims of bean-counters and city-bound architects than the natural lie of the land. And for 20 years we cheerfully welcomed new settlers to Queensland with a "beautiful one day, perfect the next".
We didn't tell them what this place was really like when it rained. And we were wrong.

Heather Brown is a resident of Toowoomba and a former journalist with News Limited.

Song Of The Week

2011-01-11T09:37:00.001+08:00

Love this.

In the 1967 play The Mourning Bride, William Congreve offered the following observation: "Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned / Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned."

Powerband Banned

2010-12-23T10:07:00.003+08:00

PT Barnum is often quoted as saying "There's a sucker born every minute" but ironically, it was actually his competitor that offered that piece of cynical wisdom.

Every so often there comes along a product so stupid, so obviously bereft of credibility that it becomes the gormless consumer's darling almost overnight.

Not only have the bogus scientific claims attached to Powerband been formally discredited by the ACCC, but the company spruiking the rubber band with a plastic hologram in it has been forced to pay refunds to any suckers who might now realise that wearing it may not magically reward them with increased strength, improved balance and athletic prowess.

Powerbands a crock

Hopefully Fitflops are also on the ACCC's radar.

Song Of The Week

2010-12-21T09:03:00.001+08:00

Sweetest, Rude Song, Ever.

He Ain't Coming Back!

2010-12-15T14:58:00.000+08:00

Word on the street is that The Son of GodTM had put 2011 in his celestial diary as a firm date for his Second Coming, but this made him cancel his plans, indefnitely.

Song Of The Week

2010-12-14T16:20:00.002+08:00

At the risk of appearing out of touch, I have to admit to only recently getting into Linkin Park. This occurred because I was searching for suitable music to listen to at the gym.

The combination of rhyming, crunching riffs and screaming vocals does it for me every time!

(The synthy bit puts me in mind of Britney's Toxic).

Song Of The Week

2010-12-07T12:51:00.004+08:00

Must commemorate one of my heroes this week, gunned down in New York thirty years ago.
Man, that was the day the music died.

This is a beautifully honest version of one of his classic songs.

Christmas Cheer

2010-12-03T11:38:00.000+08:00

Am I the only one who cannot believe the petty, sanctimonious creeps who whinge and moan about Christmas and can't understand their incessant efforts to remove all references to it from the calendar?!

Listen up, in an Anglocentric culture, we celebrate Christmas, if you can't deal with that, with all due respect, fuck the hell off!

Bargain Hunter - Graniph Astronaut T

2010-12-01T11:16:00.006+08:00

This is my most recent find, bought at "The Salvos" in Subiaco.
I had no idea who Graniph was at the time, but have since discovered that they are a Japanese design company.
I was struck by the beautifully effective way the large white graphic worked on the black background. Purchased for $6.99.

Graniph

Song Of The Week

2010-11-30T10:12:00.000+08:00

My friends on the east coast of Oz are currently experiencing heavy rain and flooding. Whilst Perth is ending its driest spring in 41 years and the Water Corporation here has issued almost 2000 fines in the last two months for water cheats (I would tear my hair out if I had any).

Bargain Hunter - Huckel Ravena

2010-11-26T09:54:00.002+08:00

No one loves a bargain more than I do. I get that from my mum who, some time ago, was nicknamed "Half Price". It was my mum who, many years ago, facilitated my first bargain discovery. A charity shop in the Perth CBD was where I found a woollen duffle coat, complete with leather and wood toggles, for only a few dollars. I wore that with pride, until I grew out of it. I did perform some minor modifications to it, which also set a pattern that continues today.

One of my most interesting finds is this hat that I picked up a couple of years back for $4.50. I immediately knew it was something special, just by the feel of it. Turning it over revealed even more of a surprise.

It is a Huckel made in Czechoslavia (exclusively for Luton) and is described as a fur felt blend. Being a size 58 it is a perfect fit.

Huckel's History

Thriller (Probably)

2010-11-24T12:46:00.000+08:00

I have long been a fan of The King Of PopTM and I am well aware of the extent of his influence and the size of his fanbase.

This, however, is beyond the pale.

Rude Roo

2010-11-24T12:37:00.000+08:00

Immediately after the filming of this incident, the kangaroo was asked whether he had been masturbating. The kangaroo sheepishly (not easy for a kangaroo) replied "Fuck off, I was just having a scratch!" and hurriedly bounded away.

Thank you to our contributor Rich.

Song Of The Week

2010-11-22T10:56:00.000+08:00

Among the acts celebrating ten years of the Evening On The Green shows last night in Perth's Kings Park, was newcomer Dan Sultan.

Dan is maintaining a tradition of unassuming, gritty singer songwriters that Australia (thankfully) continues to produce. I admired his casual swagger, but not as much as his richly textured vocals and heart-felt lyrics.

There is something very special within songs about home.

Song Of The Week

2010-11-15T10:02:00.005+08:00

Cheesy as hell, but still a bonafide 70s pop classic. I always wondered why the vocals had a slight accent, particularly when they sang "Don't go, don't go" and I now realise (thanks to Wikipedia) it was because the band was formed during 1973 in Edinburgh by the former Bay City Rollers members, David Paton and Billy Lyall.

Clearly influenced by The Beatles, not only are there Beatlesesque harmonies but also a lead guitar that has a Harrison like chiming ring to it.

It is also ironic that recently, when I mentioned that this song was by Pilot, a certain pilot (who lives next door to me) immediately said "No it's not!", to which I maturely replied "Yes, it is!". Needless to say, I had the last laugh.

This week there is an added bonus, a two for one if you will, because these guys also released a second gem in the form of their first single - Magic.

Mommie Dearest

2010-11-12T15:05:00.002+08:00

Hey, we all love our mothers right?
I have not yet had the pleasure of viewing the film based on Christina Crawford's book Mommie Dearest, but have long been aware of the way Faye Dunaway portrays her in the film as a terrifying monster. She, in fact, helped Joan Crawford set the benchmark for demanding, sadistic mothers. So armed with that knowledge, I was highly amused to find this pic.

Have a look at the film's preview!

JOY!

2010-11-10T11:37:00.001+08:00

Doesn't this kid look like he is having the time of his life?

Song of The Week

2010-11-09T09:44:00.001+08:00

Unlike many people (including my older sister) I have never loved Bowie, however I do love many of his songs and regard him as a true genius. The decision to have many of the tracks on Let's Dance embroidered by a young Stevie Ray Vaughan was one of his most inspired.

This is quite possibly his best song and therefore represents a very early career peak. A true classic that combines glam rock, yearning pop, sci-fi and a very jazzy interlude. It has been referenced in movies and tv many times. My favourite reference was at a first year uni camp when, very tired and emotional, one of our group sang the song into an empty baked bean can. The lyrics "am I sitting in a tin can" held a new, deep significance.

Song Of The Week

2010-11-01T09:59:00.000+08:00

For the passionate idealist inside all of us.

I trust that you have a great week, skipping along, singing this to yourself.

Shock & Awe It's Lara Stone

2010-10-29T11:29:00.007+08:00

I stumbled upon (honest) this story in The Sun:
Little Britain Guy Likes His Model Wife

Looked at the photo and had three thoughts:
1) She's a supermodel?!
2) She could eat an apple through a tennis raquet
3) I would rather kiss Little Britain's wheelchair-bound lothario Andy

I immediately commenced a research project at UG (University of Google) and discovered that she is, in fact, a hotter than white hot combination of ripe woman's body and little girl's face.

I would eat her shepherd's pie all day, yum!

Song Of The Week

2010-10-26T15:18:00.001+08:00

Last night my son tells me that Ben, his Chinese friend, is embarrassed by his Chinese name: Chung Pong.

In a startlingly inclusive and maturely insightful way, we laugh it up at the name and a few minutes later are dancing around singing his name to this video on my laptop:

Sexy Bits In Movies II

2010-10-25T12:36:00.000+08:00

Susan Sarandon should possibly have a category all her own, such is her proclivity for disrobing and getting down to business in movies.

I knew a guy who was obsessed with the movie The Hunger and watching this scene, I can understand why. As an added bonus. her partner in crime is Catherine Deneuve, who was once described by my uncle Kim as the most beautiful woman in the world.

Song Of The Week

2010-10-18T10:19:00.000+08:00

Sexy Bits In Movies I

2010-10-13T10:35:00.001+08:00

The first in a new series!
Mainstream movies often contain scenes of sex and/or nudity to add a bit of spice and pique the audience's interest. Traditionally, this approach is an opportunity for lecherous male directors to exploit their generally young and mostly female cast members. However there have been a few male leads who have been more than a little keen to drop their dacks, yes, I am looking at you Richard Gere!

In this short but very sweet scene, Neve Campbell and the delicious Denise Richards get it orn in the pool as Kevin Bacon perves on them in Wild Things.

Women I Love: Sofia Vergara

2010-10-11T16:29:00.002+08:00

This Columbian hottie first came to my attention in the TV show Modern Family.

Sofia posseses a seductive feline quality that is really hard to resist. Maybe not a classical beauty, but the latin features are right up my alley and these are teamed with a girl next door, relaxed quality as well as a dirtiness simmering just under that sexy surface.

Awesome Advertising

2010-09-24T09:39:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I have to admire the creative juices that have so obviously flowed through an ad agency.

Tipp-ex's new campaign where viewers rewrite the end of the advertisement is astoundingly inventive.
The technology is not new as I had installed a similar request/response video on this very blog featuring a cute blonde barmaid who would respond to (most) requests. However, it is the first ad campaign that I am aware of that has employed it.

Tipp-ex A hunter shoots bear campaign

Bullshit Consumerism I

2010-09-23T14:24:00.003+08:00

No, I'm not going to start this series discussing Apple's pathetic choke hold on consumers, but with a satirical sketch from The Late Show.

Unfortunately, this sketch is gradually losing its satirical bite as with the passage of time, it is becoming less an archly cynical take on the product and more a scarily accurate prediction.

Not only are we up to five blades, but we now have turbo charged razors, battery operated vibrating razors and razors that do Mach III!

Best Name Ever

2010-09-14T09:10:00.000+08:00

And so perfect for a swimmer!

Albums That Make My Dick Hard - IX

2010-08-31T10:19:00.003+08:00

John Mellencamp has had almost as many names as albums. His best was released in August, 25 years ago.
This album was the soundtrack to that year's summer and it wasn't just that the tracks were so catchy but it was also due as much, if not more, to their emotional resonance. Completely by chance, I played it on the way to work today and not only did I find that I knew all the words, I also found that its affect on me was more profound than I ever remembered or expected.

When he burst onto the scene in the late 70s as Johnny Cougar, he was a cocksure, arrogant young guy singing about girls that "know the meaning of hey hit the highway". A handful of years later, he released this classic, containing heartfelt odes to his small town origins, reflective ruminations on the vagaries of life and nostalgic tributes to the music of his past. Above all though, it was produced with a mature confidence and an affecting honesty.

One of the best songs is this duet with Rickie Lee Jones.

Awesome Nature - No.1 In A (Dubious) Series

2010-08-27T11:50:00.007+08:00

Monkeys and apes are intriguing aren't they? Their evolutionary similarity with us humans makes them feel like our (very) poor cousins.

My interest in them is such that I can freely admit I was very envious of the Prince of PopTM and his mate Bubbles. I have wanted a monkey as a companion for, like forever.

The most exotic of apes is the baboon. The bright red bum, the coloured snout and the huge incisors are incredible. Not to mention the Rock Star, crimped hair do.

One of my Aunts described the aggressive nature of the baboons in Zimbabwe (Rhodesia at the time of her recollections) and how, if they got hold of her father's bull terriers would stand on their hind legs and tear them apart. That just adds to their allure.
Peter Gabriel wants to kiss them even?!

My Heroes - Bon Scott

2010-08-25T17:18:00.004+08:00

Jesus, where do I begin? Such is the affection and admiration for Bon and his most famous band that it feels to me there is somehow a little bit of Bon's DNA in most Aussie guys (and quite a few chicks going by the stories!). Writing this, I feel as if I must do justice to the memory of a long lost family member.

Whenever he hears an AC/DC track, my dad always says "He has got the greatest rock n roll voice ever!". He may not have had the pipes of a Ronnie James Dio or a Freddie Mercury but his gravelly screech definitely had bucket loads of cheeky charm.

We used to love watching Countdown and seeing them come on, one of Australia's truly original, yet truly international acts. I didn't fully realise how international until I traveled to England and the guys there spent many occasions discussing their favourite albums, favourite lyrics and theories on Back in Black's writing credits. One of the lyrics oft quoted was Touch Too Much's "She had the face of an angel, smiling with sin, the body of Venus with arms". A real street poet, always ready with a risque line and a knowing wink (and he had great legs).

Man, did they ever have a purple patch in the late 70s; Dirty Deeds, Let There Be Rock, Powerage and Highway to Hell four great albums released in as many years. Of course, arguably their greatest album and greatest success came next, but that's another story

I love rock, can't live without it and as much as I love serious Led Zeppelin type rock, the tingles down my spine are best felt with a smile on my face. Bon's tongue in cheek attitude always creates that smile, whether he is singing about his big balls, hamming it up in the irreverent videos or saying "Shazbut, Nanoo Nanoo" when closing Highway to Hell.

The moment, when I found the statue of him at Fisherman's Wharf in Fremantle, I kid you not, was kind of spiritual. It was also hilarious as I watched my young daughter walk over to it, pat its crotch and say "he has a big lump".

Thanks Bon, Rock In Peace.

Man's Best Friend's Best Present

2010-08-19T10:19:00.006+08:00

It's always hard when you ponder the best present to buy your best friend.

Obviously they cannot tell you what they want, but they can and do drop some pretty obvious hints, what with all the bum sniffing and leg humping.

Trust the Chinese to produce the pefect gift that keeps on giving!
With removable/washable insert, now that is canine love.

The website says:
Simulated as Cocker Spaniel, a dog sex toy product. The dog vagina part is made of special innocuous material, soft and life feeling. This Part can be taked off and cleaned.
Lube provided.

I wonder whether you're supposed to lube up the toy or your dog, it's important to know these things. Also, the opening of the dog vagina part seems very small to me, maybe Chinese dog penises are very thin?

These are probably not compliant with international dog penis standards, so I would recommend investigating fit and comfort before rushing out to purchase these for family and (best) friends.

Oh shit! The thought has just occurred to me; these things might be aimed at people!! Oh, the shameful irony.
Still, the dog vagina part opening query remains relevant.

My Brilliant (New) Career

2010-08-19T09:43:00.001+08:00

I realised, sadly too late, my real destiny in life.
Too late for this current Federal election, but next time, I will stand proud and thrust myself forward as a local member.

Fuck A Duck!

2010-08-02T11:06:00.003+08:00

I really love the expression, usually said in frustrated exasperation.

This photo, an absolute cracker, so beautifully captures the irresistable urge that often dictates the behaviour of horny dogs and many men!

Randy Rhoads

2010-07-15T08:54:00.003+08:00

The pint-sized guitar god rose to fame playing alongside the metal legend Ozzy Osbourne. It was as much Randy's playing as it was Ozzy's idiosyncratic vocal style and doomed hippy lyrics that ensured Ozzy remained a high profile artist.

What is more astounding than his virtuoso style is the absolute rock and roll way in which he died at 25, in a massive fireball with the band's hairdresser.

I'll let Wikipedia pick up the story:
"Randy Rhoads' last show was played on Thursday, March 18, 1982 at the Knoxville Civic Coliseum in Knoxville, Tennessee. The next day, the band was headed to a festival in Orlando, Florida. After driving much of the night, they stopped on the property belonging to Jerry Calhoun, owner of "Florida Coach," in Leesburg, Florida.

On it, there was a small airstrip lined with small helicopters and planes, and two houses. One belonged to the tour bus driver, Andrew Aycock, and the other was owned by Calhoun. Aycock talked the band's keyboardist, Don Airey, into taking a test flight in a '55 Beechcraft Bonanza F-35. By some accounts the manager, Jake Duncan, was also on this first flight. The joyride ended, and the plane landed safely.
Then Aycock took Rhoads and hairdresser/seamstress Rachel Youngblood on another flight.

Airey persuaded Rhoads to go on the second flight, despite his fear of flying. Rhoads apparently agreed to go for two reasons: the seamstress had a heart condition so Aycock agreed to do nothing risky; also, Rhoads wanted to take an aerial photo as one of his hobbies was photography. During the second flight, attempts were made to "buzz" the tour bus where the other band members were sleeping.

They succeeded twice, but the third attempt was botched. The left wing clipped the back side of the tour bus, tore the fiberglass roof then sent the plane spiraling. The plane severed the top of a pine tree and crashed into the garage of a nearby mansion, bursting into flames. Rhoads was killed instantly, as were Aycock, 36, and Youngblood, 58.

All three bodies were burned beyond recognition, and were identified by dental records. It was later revealed in an autopsy that Aycock's system showed traces of cocaine at the time; Rhoads' toxicology test revealed only nicotine. The NTSB investigation also determined that Aycock's medical certificate had expired and that the biennial flight review, required for all pilots, was overdue."

Women I Love: Scarlett Johansson

2010-07-13T15:51:00.005+08:00

She had me at that opening scene from Lost In Translation, showing off that perfect arse in the sheer pink panties.

Of course, who can blame Bill Murray's character for foolishly thinking that they had something. That enigmatic whisper at the movie's end, by saying nothing, said it all.

Even her name is beautiful and she evokes that combination of raw sexuality and vulnerability that Marilyn Monroe so strongly possessed. She even seems to be channeling Marilyn in the photo below.

The sultry looks, luscious lips, flawless skin and voluptuous body create an amazing package and she may very well be remembered as fondly as those other blonde bombshells of past eras.

ANZ Mortgages Beware!

2010-07-07T13:08:00.006+08:00

ANZ let me know in a letter dated 10 May 2010 that they had made an error in calculating the interest charges on my mortgage. Surprise, surprise, the error was in their favour!

They had not applied the 0.5% discount that they had offered me on the equity manager (as I have a professional qualification) for 85 days, so had overcharged me a couple of hundred dollars. Their offer of recompense and restitution was for the total interest overcharged, as well as interest on this total, for the 85 days.

So far, so good you think, but no. The interest error occurred in August 2003!

Where was the interest on the amount for the six years that had elapsed since the error?!

Besides being mightily pissed off that a profit generator like the ANZ had artificially inflated their (2004) profits by ripping me off, I was quite excited because I knew I had them by the short and curlies.

For almost a month I made myself a right royal pain in their arse and among other things contacted the ANZ Customer Advocate. I spent time at U.G. (University of Google) and discovered that this is a very common error and not only is the equity manager product the most error prone product but the mortage offset is also problematic.

Other than my original phone call, I made two online complaints and eventually struck up a relationship with the individual handling my case. I clearly set out exactly what I wanted and made sure that they knew I was expecting all the interest errors to be adequately refunded but I also expected "adequate compensation" for my troubles.

I also requested that they perform a full "interest reconstruction" on the equity manager and the current mortgage offset product (which, it turned out also had been overcharged)

In the end, not only did they refund me the original overcharge, they also recalculated interest on this amount from August 2003 to May 2010 and refunded that to me. But it gets better, in their confusion/effort to appease me, they refunded the amounts twice!!
They also asked me what value of compensation I was expecting, I told them I wanted the same value again and they gave it to me without argument!

Does this look a bit rude to you?

Gay, Dance, Metal

2010-07-07T10:33:00.001+08:00

I recently discovered Electric Six and have pondered how one would describe them and came up with "Gay, Dance, Metal".

They are the best thing to come along since Scissor Sisters and have prolifically created a body of inspired, sexy music.

Eddie Van Halen

2010-07-07T10:26:00.001+08:00

I admire many guitarists, but there is one that stands head and shoulders above all others.

Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo

2010-07-06T10:13:00.000+08:00

I have always been fascinated by the radio alphabet but can't recall actually employing it to spell out something rude.

These guys not only had this thought, but created a great song with an even better video!

A Cunning Plan

2010-06-23T14:32:00.004+08:00

The current tv ad for nappies that shows various kids employing various techniques for drying the bed clothes which they have wet, reminds me of a time back in the day.

It is the early 70s and I awake to the shameful, cold, wet feeling of having pissed the bed. Skulking from my bedroom, I see that mum has put the kerosene heater on. I think "Yes!" and devise a cunning plan as to how I can conceal my wee indiscretion by drying my pyjama pants.

I just have to wait for mum to be distracted by something in the kitchen and I will dry them with the warm, smelly glow of this heater.

Every time she busies herself in the kitchen, I stand close to the heater, but it is a fine line between gaining enough heat to dry the material and sustaining third degree burns to my genitals. Also, mum keeps saying (unhelpfully) "Don't stand so close to the heater!".

Eventually, she says "I am going in the shower". This is my big chance, so I take my pyjama pants off and hold them up against the heater. I can see steam rising up from them and think "Now we're cooking". But it is a only moments later that my elation turns to concern as I smell burning and realise it is now not steam rising from the pants, but smoke.

I quickly turn the pants around and I am shocked too see a large brown scorch mark on the front of them. My cunning plan has backfired.

In a blind panic, I throw the pants in the bin and go to my bedroom and get dressed. When I eventually emerge into the family room, my mum holds up the pants and says loudly "I thought I smelled something burning!".

My Heroes - Kenny Everett

2010-06-18T11:30:00.003+08:00

Kenny Everett was an English disc jockey who created an anarchic radio show. I first heard this radio show in Perth during the 1970s.

Then he created a TV show and this was screened by the ABC.

Of course, these were the days when the people who created and performed on TV shows took risks, believed in themselves and were themselves.

Not only was there comedy but also rock stars of the day, either playing their hits or having the piss extracted.

Watching him, it certainly appeared that he did what he liked and best of all had a great time doing it.

Joshua and The Tampon String

2010-06-17T14:59:00.000+08:00

Joshua's mum explained the facts of life to him, in terms she felt his six year old brain would best understand.

The explanation was adequate but he had one question. He wanted to know "how does the baby get out of the mummy's tummy?".

In response, Joshua's mum told him that the baby comes out of a special hole, between the mummy's legs. Joshua was satisfied with this information.

A few days later, Joshua saw his mum coming out of the toilet, before stepping into her shower.

He spied the string of her tampon and asked "when the baby comes out of the special hole, does it swing down on that string?".

Albums That Make My Dick Hard VIII

2010-06-14T15:12:00.008+08:00

I avoided getting this album as I suspected that despite, or even due to the related hype, these guys were more of a novelty act than a genuine rock band.

It had been out for three years when a colleague burned me a copy and enthused about the musicianship and the vocals.

To say I was not disappointed is an understatement. This band combines the sense of fun of early Van Halen with the flair of early Queen to successfully create an irresistable 70s and 80s rock hybrid.

The songs are melodic and catchy and even though Justin Hawkins has an idiosyncratic delivery, his soaring falsetto really suits the material. I return to this album again and again as it never fails to deliver great rock with its tongue firmly placed in its cheek and a huge smile on its face.

Sadly, the band lived the rock and roll lifestyle to such as extent, they only survived for one more album.

Cranking

2010-06-09T09:31:00.002+08:00

This series of ads is fantastic, there is literally something for everyone, even us brutal cynics.

It reminds me of the facebook page "Cranking" - crying and wanking.

So, their ads would have a guy aim a smouldering look down the camera as he says:
"Sometimes when I wank, I weep".

Serendipity

2010-06-09T09:22:00.005+08:00

Serendipity: The act of making a fortunate discovery by capricious or quixotic accidence or such accidence (fortuity) itself.

Love the word, love when it occurs.

A few weeks after hearing this amazing song for the first time, I discovered that my mother in law had left at our house a book, "Out Of The Tunnel" by Rachel North. This book is a beautifully written, incredibly honest and deeply affecting survivor's account of the London Underground bombings of July 2005.

Ever Had A Song Provoke Tears? Here's Two.

2010-06-03T13:02:00.002+08:00

There's Something About This Ad

2010-05-28T09:28:00.000+08:00

Can't quite put my finger on it.

Foolproof Weight Loss System - From A Doctor!

2010-05-26T10:22:00.004+08:00

The Fuck Shop

2010-05-20T09:20:00.001+08:00

How can you not love this jaunty ditty?

The smuttiest of lyrics and a riff sampled from Van Halen's "Ain't Talking 'Bout Love".

So great for a singalong in the car with your kids!

My Heroes - Garry McDonald

2010-05-07T10:10:00.002+08:00

The talented, gutsy performer Garry McDonald created the Australian legend, alter-ego Norman Gunston (decades before Sacha Baron Cohen tried it on).

He bravely and shamelessly pursued international and domestic superstars and managed to create some of the most amazing and hilarious interviews ever screened.

Of course, Garry McDonald also created the touching, bitter sweet ABC series Mother and Son.

Get Rock Hard With Dive Bomber Push Ups!

2010-05-06T16:32:00.000+08:00

Watch this and get quick results!